While we wait for our vaccines, I thought I’d take a look at some awesome alternatives already used by millions of people around the world. Amazingly, most of these practices are actually more dangerous than the coronavirus itself. To make it easier to visualise, I’ve brought the most popular ones together as a one-week diet. DO NOT DO THIS AT HOME!
Monday
Become vegetarian. Indians believe vegetarians are immune. This will also make rain forest animals happier. What a super way to start the week! If you’re feeling grumpy on this Monday, consider veganism, as this will also make people more tolerant of your behaviour.
Tuesday
Wear warm socks and spread a generous helping of mustard and goose fat on your body. The advice given by a government minister in Estonia, is simply marinate yourself every day and you’ll be fine. It’s Tasty Tuesday!
Wednesday
Don’t even mention the virus! The government of Turkmenistan banned the word “coronavirus”. Apparently, if you just ignore it and don’t talk about it, the c****v**** will go away. Let’s face it, we are all bored of the coronavirus anyway. One less worry, and it’s only Wednesday!
Thursday
Organise a cow urine party. Leading politicians in India swear that drinking cow urine cures the coronavirus. These parties usually attract around 200 people, and everyone’s pissed. If your local supermarket doesn’t stock cow urine, or has run out due to panic buying, buy camel urine instead, as people in the Middle East say it works just as well. What’s more, you won’t have a hangover, or at least not the hangover you’re used to.
Friday
It’s been a tough week fighting corona. If you survived all the week’s cures so far, it’s time to congratulate yourself. Dark web drug dealers are selling their own vaccines priced at $300, with each shot containing a healthy cocktail of amphetamines, cocaine, and nicotine. Spend the rest of the evening singing Jari Sillanpää songs like “Bum, bum, bum”, “Unta en saa” and “Oot täydellinen”.
Saturday
You didn’t sleep last night, but not to worry, today you can drink alcohol all day! People in Iran, Turkey and Kenya believe that extremely strong alcoholic beverages cure and protect you against the coronavirus. This was especially good news for the Iranians, as alcohol is normally banned in Iran. Unfortunately, hundreds died, but not because of the virus.
Sunday
If you are not religious, choose a religion that has a cure based on prayer. There are plenty to choose from. Supposing you survived the diet, do not engage in any sexual activity. A Brazilian preacher told people that abstinence would cause a corona-crushing miracle. Spend most of the day praying to the god you decided to worship. This guaranteed cure is significantly cheaper and easier than science. Science is so boring and complicated.
If you follow this diet strictly for a few weeks, you will become a vegetarian, god-loving, cow-urine-goose fat-mustard-smelling and frustrated alcoholic, which is a whole lot better than COVID-19!
If you don’t like living dangerously and prefer to take the sensible route, listen to the medical professionals, and ignore conspiracy theories.